I was thinking to myself today, "wouldn't it be fantastic if douchebags had that word tattooed on their forehead as a warning sign to the rest of us?"
Yes, yes it would be. However, since I doubt this will ever happen, I've created a mental list of external signs that warn of incoming douches. They are as follows (including but not limited to):
1. People that clip their cellphones/pagers/etc. to the waistband of their pants. No one cares how important you think you are.
2. Popped collars. Are you trying to keep the breeze off your neck?
3. Teenagers that have handbags more expensive than my monthly car payment. You didn't buy that for yourself. Get a real job and stop mooching off Daddy.
4. Mothers that insist on lining store carriages with those ridiculous fabric pouches. Your kid's been ingesting far worse than what's on the handle while you're gabbing away on your cell phone and not paying attention. Are you planning on encasing them in a giant hamster bubble when you send Precious off to kindergarten?
5. Anyone driving a Porsche Cayenne. A Porsche SUV? Beyond pointless. Get over yourself.
6. Drivers that can't be bothered to observe the painted lines when parking.
7. Fat people that don't try to help themselves. I'll come out and say it, I'm not afraid. Fat people annoy me. I've been there. I've had friends that have been there. We've gotten rid of the weight. You can do it too. Repeat after me: "I will put the fork down."
8. Using cell phones to talk/text/email/web surf in a restaurant. Learn some manners and show your dining companion some respect.
That's all for the moment... I'm sure I'll think of more. Feel free to comment.
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What happens if you currently do #1 (at work, and not while pregnant because the belly gets in the way), and bought a #4? I'm pretty kick ass, does that make me a douche bag?
ReplyDeleteAnd WTF about the Porsche SUV? They make one of those????? That is absolutely inane.
I will make an exception for those that do this AT WORK (those in health care, and at construction sites). If you're not at work, stick it in your pocket. I assure you that you can still feel the vibration.
ReplyDeleteAnd regarding #4, I'm sorry, but I won't make exceptions with that one. We might not be able to be friends anymore.
Too bad we're family. You're screwed :)
ReplyDeleteHowever, even though I bought the cart cover, whenever I use a public bathroom I sit my entire ass on the seat, I never hover. And I don't use a seat cover. I'm such a rebel, and I have yet to get ass herpes :)
Haha I love it!
ReplyDelete