Lions and Tigers and... WTF is THAT?!?!?

Okay, so there have been quite a few sightings of bears in my yard in the past few weeks, including one by yours truly. I was standing in my dining room and happened to glance out the bay window, and HOLY CRAP it was RIGHT THERE!!!! lumbering across our front yard and driveway. It was frakkin' HUGE.

Then my neighbor flags me down a week or so later and tells me she saw another one in our yard that afternoon (except it was a "little" bear. which means "big" bear is close behind). This is the neighbor that just moved in a few months ago with two cats and is now down to one. They also moved in with 3 children. I'm keeping track of those guys too.

I'm afraid to go outside. Even to get my mail. I have no idea what to do in case of bear interaction. Luckily for me, Google auto-complete is there to help me out:

The website I found: http://www.wikihow.com/Escape-from-a-Bear

does not seem all that helpful. Step 1 - avoid the bear if at all possible. Difficult if I am in my own front yard. Step 2 - Keep your distance. See Step 1. Step 3 - Stand tall. Apparently I am to communicate that I am human? And call the bear's bluff if it charges me? Fat chance if I'm holding Sir. Step 4 - Know your bear. This step goes on to differentiate the 3 different type of bears but tells me nothing on how my bear will act. Helpful. Step 5 - Understand the bear's motivation. This is where I stopped.

I really think someday I'm going to go out to the backyard to grill dinner and come across this...

and not know what to do. Offer it a steak?

I Had to POAS...

And THANK GOD it was negative. Seriously. I was about to crap a brick. The rational part of my brain knew that the likelihood that I was preggers again was slim to none (I'm still exclusively breastfeeding, and we're using birth control) but after having 2 straight periods and then being late for one... I was fairly concerned.

I made R take me to Target and then peed in her bathroom. I thought about leaving it on the counter to give her husband J a heart attack, and then decided that wouldn't be nice. Instead I left it sitting nice & pretty in my bathroom trash at home to give MY DH a heart attack :) Sadly, he is remarkably unobservant and did not notice.

I will want another child at some point, but I need some time to pass from the awful newborn/infant phase so I forget how horrible it was before I'm willing to start trying. I also want to be free from pregnancy/breastfeeding (or at least mostly) for my 30th birthday.

But speaking of Target, this trip was my first trip there in maybe a month. I can't believe I held out that long! And of course, I managed to spend $100. Considering I only went there for a pregnancy test and some Father's Day cards, I have no idea how I ended up spending that much. Of course, I picked up Ryan's Father's Day gift. I felt a little weird... I'm going to give it to him like "Here you go, honey, do you like what I bought you with your money?" I'm still getting used to this whole SAHM, not earning my own $$ thing.

You Might Be a Douchebag If...

I was thinking to myself today, "wouldn't it be fantastic if douchebags had that word tattooed on their forehead as a warning sign to the rest of us?"

Yes, yes it would be. However, since I doubt this will ever happen, I've created a mental list of external signs that warn of incoming douches. They are as follows (including but not limited to):

1. People that clip their cellphones/pagers/etc. to the waistband of their pants. No one cares how important you think you are.

2. Popped collars. Are you trying to keep the breeze off your neck?

3. Teenagers that have handbags more expensive than my monthly car payment. You didn't buy that for yourself. Get a real job and stop mooching off Daddy.

4. Mothers that insist on lining store carriages with those ridiculous fabric pouches. Your kid's been ingesting far worse than what's on the handle while you're gabbing away on your cell phone and not paying attention. Are you planning on encasing them in a giant hamster bubble when you send Precious off to kindergarten?

5. Anyone driving a Porsche Cayenne. A Porsche SUV? Beyond pointless. Get over yourself.

6. Drivers that can't be bothered to observe the painted lines when parking.

7. Fat people that don't try to help themselves. I'll come out and say it, I'm not afraid. Fat people annoy me. I've been there. I've had friends that have been there. We've gotten rid of the weight. You can do it too. Repeat after me: "I will put the fork down."

8. Using cell phones to talk/text/email/web surf in a restaurant. Learn some manners and show your dining companion some respect.


That's all for the moment... I'm sure I'll think of more. Feel free to comment.

Someone give me a job at the CIA...

Is it just me, or is anyone elses faith in our intelligence community shaken by the fact that we get updates from Al Qaeda's website?? That's right, folks, I just saw on the news that the death of some number 3 Al Qaeda guy was confirmed by their website. I thought these people were living in mud huts and crapping in holes in the ground. They have access to the internets?? I wonder if they have 3G.

Next thing you know we're going to be following leads posted on Bin Laden's blog.