Awkward moment of the year...

I'm at my OB-GYN's office this morning for my annual exam/pap. The doctor and I chat for a few, then she gets down to business.

Legs are spread, speculum is inserted, and she says.... "Hello, cervix that wouldn't open!" (Pretty sure it's not going to answer you, lady!)

Um, she wasn't even the doctor that examined/delivered me last year. They gave me Cervadil last year and then decided half an hour after that that my platelets and liver were not doing well and that there wasn't enough time to start an induction and I had a c-section. Did they all get together and discuss my closed cervix last year?

It's either that or there was a note tucked up in my lady bits alluding to this fact.

At least there wasn't an echo.

I wonder...

• If it is possible to live entirely on FlaVor Ice. You know, the cheap freezer pops? I've certainly been trying. I also sometimes wonder if I can successfully use them as a diet food. Like, instead of Slim Fast shakes, I eat freezer pops for breakfast, for lunch, for an afternoon snack, and then have a sensible dinner. Of freezer pops.
• How babies eat jarred baby food. I purchased some for convenience when we were going on vacation, and almost lost my lunch whenever I opened one. They smell like vomit. I can't imagine what they taste like. But I'm betting it's not like peaches. I am also a little suspicious that they are all the same color. Peaches, bananas, apples, pears, sweet potatoes, mixes, they are all the same sickly brownish-pink color.
• Why daytime TV sucks so bad. There are plenty of people who are home during the day for one reason or another, don't we deserve decent programming as well? There are only so many "Who's my baby's daddy?" Maury episodes I can watch before I want to start duct taping legs shut.
• Why I am stubbornly clinging to my gym membership under the pretense that I'm actually ever going to go again. I'm not fooling anyone, least of all my waistline. Or my checking account.

Um, no, I'm not pregnant. I had my baby 5 months ago.

So, I'm meeting my mom and my sister A for pedicures the other night. I'm super psyched because I haven't had a pedicure since I was about 6 months pregnant and OMG my feet were needing one desperately. I'm pretty sure my heels could have been used to carve rocks.

I dropped Sir off with my dad, and we head on out to enjoy some nice relaxing pampering. I'm sitting in the nice massaging chair, minding my own business, chatting with Mom & A, and the lady doing my pedicure looks at me out of the blue and says "Are you pregnant?" ...

Um, NO. But thanks. Thanks for noticing that I still look like I'm carrying Sir's unborn twin. I'm super glad that the past 3 months of dieting and walking 5 miles a day has paid off. At least my legs look good from all that walking, right?

No. Two minutes after Asian lady stuck the first foot in her mouth, she opens even wider and says "You have a lot of bruises on your legs." Great. While not nearly as insulting as your first comment, I appreciate you noticing the fact that it looks like I have some weird blood disorder because I'm the clumsiest person on the planet.

Enjoy my feet, lady.

I Hate My Diaper Bag

Hate. It. It's really cute. But so so so impractical. It's a kate spade, I got it last year at the Wrentham outlets for half off. But, oh, the things you don't realize before you have kids.

First of all, it leaves pink streaks on my car every time it happens to hit the exterior. Like if I'm squeezing through the garage with the car seat and diaper bag. PINK STREAKS. ON MY CAR.

It doesn't have very many pockets. 2 exterior, but the exterior material is really stiff and I can't fit too much in them. They're also not large. 4 on the inside, and one zippered pouch. Okay. Maybe it has plenty of pockets for the normal person. But not me! I like pockets!

It doesn't close. The top gets secured by two strings that I have to tie shut. Not exactly something I feel like doing every time I have to go in there for something while I'm trying to wrangle a wriggly baby.

Plus, I'm getting past the stage where I need to pack 12 diapers and 3 backup outfits. Now all I need (unless it's an all day long excursion) are one or two diapers, a burp cloth, wipes, changing pad, and toys. The diapers, wipes, and changing pad I have in a travel pad in my car at all times. Sort of like this:

So I need something NOT HUGE, and also something that doesn't scream diaper bag. It's not easy. And I'm not exactly looking to spend hundreds of dollars.

I suppose I could start using my regular handbag. But then I realize that I haven't really purchased anything for me in like 6 months. I won't buy new clothes for me because I'm a fatass. I turned my excessive spending habits into buying clothes for Sir, and buying groceries. Probably thus contributing to me being a fatass.

*sigh* I just want a cute new diaper bag. Or handbag that will function as a diaper bag. And I would like someone to find it for me and tell me "Look! I found you a diaper bag!"

*sigh* I just want a cute new... something. I'm starting to feel like a frumpy mom. I spend most of my day in yoga pants (see: I'm a fatass); I can't remember the last time I did my hair. Showering is a luxury that I forget to do some days. I haven't had an eyebrow wax since BEFORE SIR WAS BORN. I feel like Sasquatch. Pedicure? Oh please. My feet could cut granite. Manicure? Not a chance. Sir's starting to teethe and I don't really want him eating my nail polish.